Modeled after Hugh Prather's Notes to Myself, these statements reflected my mental state during the turmoil of the open marriage experiment. Had I been more in touch with The Intuitive Self and acted on my thoughts, I might not have caused my family as much distress. Added emphasis appears in red, and my reactions to these proverbs twenty five years later are enclosed in a box: (Note 95)

My child "knows" what I have forgotten. In order to grow, I need to learn to be a child again.

Today I would say learn to be childlike again. Observing my granddaughter, I saw how connected she was to The Intuitive Self.

I hope you had a joyful experience in whatever dimension you found. We move ahead in our struggle to join the widening circle of universal consciousness.

Here is one of my new age phrased justifications for my affair!

What I say, especially in a highly emotional situation, will usually reveal more about me than it will about you. In these situations, it will probably take me awhile to come to this realization. In the meantime, I imagine it is very difficult to hold up under the barrage. Please have patience with my struggle for growth. It is painful for me also.

This was also true for my second long term primary relationship. At times, she would shut down completely in a self defense response to protect herself from my out pourings.

From time to time I will say "I know thus and so." This should not be taken seriously since I believe there is no truth other than The Truth. When I become conscious of The Truth, there will no longer be a need for me to say "I know . . ."

When I connect with and become the Tao, my being is Truth. In moments of epiphany, that Truth occasionally breaks through.

Jealousy, envy and fear of losing are all faces of my ego. Once this single separate idea of myself is transcended, these many barriers to my growth and my realization of The Self fade away.

Now I would say The Intuitive Self.

It seems that I come through time to take for granted the real being in the one closest to me. Paradoxically, intimate association with my significant other seems required to rekindle my awareness of her being. Unless my process of discovery proceeds from an unshakable commitment to my primary relationship, it will be shattered in the very process of the rediscovery of its real meaning.

This does not seem clearly expressed. There are two key ideas here: 1) the intimate association - taking for granted paradox and 2) that relationship is the crucible for self discovery.

Some people seem to encourage living things; plants, animals, and humans; to grow by touching them with their body, emotions or spirit These people are sources of the energy that fills the universe. I seek this channel within myself.

Now I would say the energy that is the universe.

I am concerned with personal appearances. This view is constantly pressed upon me by my culture. But as I look for the real person, I turn to the expression of the face and eyes for what I really want to know. Contrary to popular opinion, "clothes do not make the person."

I notice what a woman looks like, how she dresses and what she says. But in the final analysis, I really want to know what the eyes and the face surrounding the eyes look like and have to say.

Sharing involves risk. I may expose something of myself that is painful for me to have another person realize, or I may uncover pain in the other person when they realize what I really stand for. This risk is more likely taken in a mutually accepting and understanding relationship. Without this basis for sharing, I stay inside myself or I play the game of "white lies" and in so doing pass up significant opportunities for personal growth.

My ego exerts a powerful drive expending energy in its constant search for validation. It needs the energy of others in the form of feeding to keep it out of negative spaces. This energy could be used to raise my level of consciousness to transcend rather than feed my ego

I'm uncomfortable with how often I use the word transcend. That sounds too much like removing myself from the maelstrom of daily life. Rather than transcend, the Meditator in the World "incends" to find the source within to express in the now.

To know my true and deepest feelings is so difficult that I seldom seem to discover them. However, my search for feelings leads me to an understanding of myself as a part of our world. Once discovered and communicated to significant others, feelings provide the foundation for personal relationships.

My body is about to be operated on. But my spirit is with those whom I care for and those who care for me. Ultimately this is everyone in one.

This came while I was lying in out patient surgery being prepped for a hernia operation.

I am attached to my body. Developing my consciousness seems to provide me with a way to rise above the physical with its anxieties and pains. My spirit is what touches others and others touch me with their spirit. This reality seems more significant than my body.

I must work out an accommodation with my body's aches, pains and long standing stress patterns. There is no rising above the physical since this preschool for the soul is physical - period!

What is a primary relationship? Is it measured in terms of time or the duration of the relationship? How can I recognize primary relationship? It seems that the essential ingredient is an open, deep, mutual sharing of self no matter how much time is spent, nor how long it has endured. The presence of that ingredient defines a primary relationship to exist at that moment. Could not all relationships be primary?

Another rationalization. Here I was trying to justify spending time with a significant other outside my marriage. There is a deeper truth here, but I wasn't ready for that at the time.

What is caring? Is it to say I care - no that may be intellectual only. Is it feeling I care - no that is a fleeting internal state that may not correspond to my external state. Is it doing things - no those are actions that may arise for any number of reasons. Ultimately, caring seems to be a unity of the mind, emotion and body of my spirit moving to encompass the mind, emotion and body of another spirit.

Now I would say embrace instead of encompass. The latter has a devouring quality to it while the former feels more compassionate.

Is to love to possess or to care and share? I have only learned to possess and not to share. I believe I can care and share although I don't know how. But I want to learn so that I won't miss sharing care for someone in a sandbox somewhere in the universe.

This alludes to a recurring theme of where is my soul mate?

I have begun to wear my glasses less in order to see better. As objects blur in the distance through my near sightedness, they seem to merge into a natural oneness. Thus it appears that my glasses have enabled me to see the natural world so well that I have been blind.

On reading Anthem: There are dual bondages to be transcended: the bondage of "We" and the bondage of "I" The wisdom of the Indian subcontinent recognized this duality as an illusion since the "Atman I" is an aspect of the "Braham We." This insight flows not from sun energy as "light" but from Consciousness energy as "love" unconditional which binds the separate individual to the collective Universe.

I don't remember what the Anthem was that sparked this insight.

"Who am I?" - My body moves, and I observe its sensations; my emotions express, and I observe their feeling; and my mind thinks, and I observe its thoughts. Therefore, I am not my body, nor my emotions, nor my mind. I, the, observer, remain after these three aspects are recognized. This observer which is called consciousness is the unique me (Atman) in the universal us (Braham).

This proverb was inspired from my reading Roberto Assagioli.

Let the occasion of "death" be a celebration of life. When I die, my body will return to the earth, but I will remain with universal consciousness. Thus I will continue to live at a new level of existence merged more fully with the One. This is the goal of all seekers - to merge more fully with the universal consciousness - that is to embrace living more completely. In this view, the only meaningful service for my "death" will be a joyful celebration of life.

When making statements about other people's behavior, these observations often apply as much if not more to the person making them as they do to the person to whom the statements are made.

I have come to believe this so strongly that I might call it Bill's first law of projection making.

In general people hear what validates their illusion, that is they will interpret what is said to justify their own view of the situation.

The degree to which we communicate (that is understand the other in the other's terms) depends on the extent to which our illusions (simulations) are similar.

Our illusions (simulations) are similar to the extent we have had the same experiences; therefore, we are more likely to understand each other if we have been through the same spaces.

This was inspired in part by the therapist I was seeing at the time. Since he had not been through what I was experiencing, he had little idea about what was going on. I've learned not to waste time with guides who haven't been where my energy seems to be taking me.

The only person who comes close to having been through the same spaces as me is myself; therefore, turn inward to communicate with myself in order to achieve understanding.

When successfully developed and matured there is only one therapist, guide or guru: The Intuitive Self.

An eastern mystic, a western mystic, and a modern scientist appear to have reached the same conclusion "You want to change the world? Change yourself." Gautama Buddha; "The kingdom of God is within you." Jesus of Nazareth; "What one believes to be true, either is true or becomes true in one's mind, within limits . . . . These limits are beliefs to be transcended." John Lilly

The five previous proverbs were stimulated by reading John Lilly.

I have sensations, but I am not my body. I have feelings, but I am not my emotions. I have thoughts, but I am not my mind. I am a center of pure consciousness seeking to reunite with the universal consciousness.

Here is another allusion to Roberto Assagioli's ideas.

Over indulgence in various things seems to stand in the way of growth, that is becoming more centered. These things appear to be in order of decreasing importance: (1) food, (2) sleep, (3) sex, (4) medicinal drugs, (5) stimulant drinks like coffee, tea, and soft drinks, and (6) alcohol. In the long run, all but the first three will have to be given up.

The only one I've successfully given up is alcohol. In the long run, this may take more lifetimes than I originally thought. From a tantric perspective, the issue is not indulgence, but how that experience contributes to my ongoing transformation.

An Affirmation: I am aware of sensations, but I am not my body. I am aware of feeling, but I am not my emotions. I am aware of thoughts and images, but I am not my mind. I am a center of pure consciousness (Atman-Observer) seeking to reunite with the universal consciousness (Brahman-Knower).

Roberto Assagioli again. The importance I attach to the observer for The Meditator in the World was stimulated by his philosophy.

I think I would rather get into a girl's head then her pants.

I waffle back and forth on this one! Since sexual energy is the primary manifestation of the divine, I now cut myself more slack on this one.

My body with its central and peripheral nervous system provides the electrochemical vehicle through which sensations, feelings, and thoughts are physically manifest. My consciousness notes these manifestations as its contents. That is, its contents mirror the world of physical reality. However consciousness itself represents an essence which transcends the physical and manifests in the psychic world. This is the realm of the spirit.

I don't understand what I was saying here. I must have been lost in a sea of palaver. Words so often destroy the meaning of the moment!

The only real union is the ultimate realization of the unity of consciousness in the universe. An apparent necessary condition for its achievement is detachment from the illusion of "physical reality."

Although I did not realize it at the time, here was an early shift away from the view that matter is the primary stuff of the universe to the view that consciousness is primary.

What is communication? Some say they communicate when speaking; others, when touching. But is this not the content of consciousness contacting the content of consciousness? Communion as communication between consciousnesses themselves appears to take place through eyes or a presence experienced by consciousnesses that are in tune.

Hunger and sex survival programs lead to the pursuit of food and mates. The pressure of these first level programs transforms the fruits of these pursuits into possessions. Since possessions give pleasure as well as satisfy survival program needs, we become attached to them. These material possessions (alternate forms of food acquisition) and people may result in anxiety through fear of depletion or loss or in boredom through surfeit and familiarity. Reprogramming and meta-programming may be used to balance the influence of these survival programs and achieve behaviors more in harmony with the flow of the moment and its meaning.

John Lilly's influence again. I don't remember where his thoughts leave off and mine take up. This sounds more like his writing.

We each manifest in infinite gradations of matter - energy from beyond the microscopic to beyond the macroscopic. This manifestation represents a neg-entropic ripple in the universal pool of being which we view as individuality due to our extraordinarily limited perception.

My fucking ego - will I ever be able to kill that son-of-bitch and find my true self?

That must have been an especially bad day!

I am aware of sensations; I am aware of feelings; I am aware of thoughts. My self appears to be these things. However these things are only the contents of my awareness. My true self is a center of pure conscious-awareness choosing to yield to the universal consciousness.

Roberto Assagioli's ideas again. The frequency with which I returned to sensations, feelings and thoughts speaks to their importance. They showed up much later in my Form classification for intuitive messages.

When we allow ourselves to mirror each other, we experience the presence of the universal growth principle. In each observation I make about you, there is some of me, and in each you make about me, some of you. Therefore if we are open, we can use what you and I share with each other as a basis for self discovery. What have we done for each other? Nothing really, we have only allowed growth to express itself.

I'm more committed to the shadow - mirror principle of relationship than ever before. I find it consistently true in myself and others.

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