In making amends to my family, I briefly explained CoDA and how I went about preparing the amends. For my children, I did this verbally, and with my former wife, I sent a letter to accompany her list. We met at a later time to discuss my amends. Following the letter are links to my amends for each family member. My reactions are enclosed in a box:

You may be wondering what "making amends" is about. One important thing that I've done for myself in the last year was participate in a group called CoDependents Anonymous (CoDA). They are a twelve step program modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous. Being a codependent has different meanings depending on who you ask. One definition that I like is from Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More:

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

In my recovery work, I discovered that I've been codependent in my relationships with you, our children, my work colleagues, and just about everybody else that I've had contact with. CoDA and counseling have helped me break the habit patterns that lead me as a codependent into destructive relationship patterns. With that background on the group, I'll briefly explain how "making amends" fits in.

Step 4 is "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." As part of my work on Step 4, I made a list of all the ways I had harmed the important people in my life. Here is my list of the ways I believe that I harmed you in the years that we were together. Step 8 is "made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." In step 8, your name was at the top of my list.

To organize the list, I've grouped the items into categories. As I tried to see the larger pattern, five groups came to mind: My Behavior Patterns, Your Behavior Patterns, Our Relationship, Shared Responsibilities, and Family Relations. This is not their order of importance. Items in the last category are as important as those in the first. But the sequence of the groups has a "logic" that makes sense to me.

Some of the things on the list may not seem like wrongs. But items are included if I felt that the way I handled them caused you distress or grief. Some of the things I would do in a new relationship. However I would approach them with more consideration for my companion. A few items have specific examples to clarify what I mean by that item.

Step 9 reads "made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." Our getting together will help me with Step 9. I want to share these discoveries with you. I also want to say that I am sorry for the harm that I've caused. In addition to offering my apologies, I want to know if there is anything that I can do to redress these wrongs.

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